Fastpacking In The Land Of Phalli

On December 19, 2009, in Adventure, Running, by Meghan

(Forgive me, mother, for this blog post, but I have been waiting years to write something like this. Forgive me, anyone else, who considers this little bit of good humor too vulgar for them.)

The Needles District of Canyonlands National Park is a geologic wonderland of orgasmic proportion.

As you travel about our natural world, it’s common to see rocks here and there that resemble the naughty bits of men and women. Think of the Grand Tetons, named by some lonely French explorers because they resembled, you betcha, some arbitrary lady’s ta-tas. I shouldn’t miss mentioning Mary’s Nipple, a smaller hill/protuberance that stands at excited attention over the east side of the Teton Mountains. How about Yellowstone National Park‘s Liberty Cap? I used to live a mile away from this calcium carbonate hot springs unit, and had the true pleasure of seeing its daily arousal.

But have you ever been to a place where you feel as if you’re surrounded by sex organs? The Land of Phalli is, indeed, a real place, tucked into the southeast portion of Canyonlands National Park . There, the natural world has erected a fine playground for those men and women who can’t get enough of, well, the penis. Most people call this part of the world Canyonland’s Needles District, and we took a 3 day fastpacking trip there about a month ago. Please enjoy this photo journal of our trip.

Day 1, Entering The Land of Phalli

Bryon enters into The Land of Phalli.

I’m aware that you’re waiting for the wands of wank photos, but there’s other stuff out there in the desert, too. With 3 days of everything on his back, Bryon runs on a trail through cryptobiotic soil. In between the ground’s sand grains live microscopic, photosynthesizing bacteria!

Bryon runs through a joint. Heh.

Bryon runs through a joint, a topographic break created between two needles. Between the joints stand the one-eyed monsters of the west!

Typical Needles District geography, filled with trouser snakes vying for your attention.

Pretend it’s a game of Where’s Waldo. Instead of looking for a little man in a red and white shirt, count the number of trouser snakes standing proud in the background.

Druid Arch rises in support of tally-whackers near and far.

Druid Arch looms with a certain degree of authority that would probably be taken more seriously if not for the giant sandstone tally-whacker leaning against it. In all seriousness, this was a phenomenal arch, and a great way wrap up our first day of fastpacking.

Day 2, Getting up close and personal with nature’s phalli

Pork swords greet us in their sunrise profiles.

Sunrise from the tent on Day 2 was fantastic, made better by a couple tiny pork swords saying good morning from the ridge top. Weather in the form of rain and snow was predicted to arrive either on Day 2 or 3 of our backpacking trip, and we hoped these clouds weren’t leading the precipitation’s way.

Bryon fastpacking across The Land of Phalli.

For a little while on Day 2’s run, the phalli became wider, thicker, lumpier. That’s alright in my book, though, as ding-a-ling-ding-dongs come in all shapes and sizes, too.

Crossing a pass through The Needles provided new views of the sandstone phalli.

All joking aside, this is the first time I have ever carried my camera in my hand for 3 solid days of running. That is, I found the scenery so extraordinary, so variable that I couldn’t get enough of it! As you can see the weather held for an amazing exploration day!

Who knew the Needles District was hosting this bologna pony convention?

Simultaneous to our fastpacking trip, there was also a convention of bologna ponies occurring in the Needles District. For certain they enjoyed the warm, sunny weather as well!

Bryon climbs out of another joint. Heh, heh.

Bryon and his red hair run across red sandstone.

Day 3, Leaving The Land of Phalli

Good morning to you!

Erect as ever, this troop of johnsons seems as excited about the morning of Day 3 as we were!

The "pass" between 2 canyons was guarded by a 30 foot ladder on each side.

Bryon tackles the up ladder, carrying his 3-day pack, now mostly devoid of food, with no issue.

Lincoln logs linger in the background.

In this broad, sweeping landscape photo, you’ll have to click to enlarge the lincoln logs lingering in the background. These gentlemen are apparently demure.

Meghan's shadow profiles against yellow sandstone at Canyonlands National Park.

This fastpack was brilliant by any standard: great route, fabulous company, amazing scenery, superb weather, yummy food. For a girl who also loves the beauty of nature, the abundance of cupid’s quivers was akin to fastpacking cake icing.

11 Responses to “Fastpacking In The Land Of Phalli”

  1. JeffO says:

    I was thinking of doing much the same trip for my birthday, but now that you've just done it, you've robbed me of originality. Thanx a lot, Miss Meghan!

    So glad you had a great time. Nice photos.
    I've learned a few new names for the lizard, too. Who would have thought your blog would become so educational?
    I was recently describing Goblin Valley to a friend. I called them uncircumcised goblin-knobs.

  2. Sunshine Girl says:

    Everybody shout:


    Thanks for the post on Cock-rock. I'm having flashbacks of me pulling down my pants at TransRockies this year on Day 1 and pointing at the Ass Crack Rock. Crack and crack. Get it? Where's the arbitrary pick of your hand imposed over the Phalli? I know it's out there….

    Now rally your troops of Johnson, gather your Lincoln Logs and Bologna Ponies and stand at attention y'all!!

  3. Sunshine Girl says:

    P.S. This is your best post, EVER!!

  4. Dan says:

    Excellent post. Love the photos.

    I never knew the one-eye trouser mouse had so many aliases!

  5. Leslie's Keith says:

    Oh Meghan…!

    Your Intimate Knowledge of BIG, HARD, LONG words is always so impresive…and your ability to use them in so many ways astounding…


    Thanks for the laughs!


  6. olga says:

    Man, that is beautiful! And did Trail GOat grew hair? What's up with that? Cold in Yosemity? Happy holidays, guys!

  7. SteveQ says:

    Didn't know they were called joints, but they look vaguely gynecological to me. You look for what you want, I look for what I want…

  8. Gretchen says:

    hee hee hee hee hee!!

  9. Bryon Powell says:

    Hicks, As someone who is all too familiar with splog… or whatever one calls blog spam, but you two most recent comments are both spam.

  10. Meghan says:

    Hi Bryon/aka The Spam Po-po!

    Thanks! Even if Anonymous without the link to spamcrap is a spammer, she/he/it was still nice to me and didn't link to any madness. So as to boost my self esteem, I'm leaving that one up! 😉 I did delete the other one!

    Have a happy day!

  11. Tropical John says:

    I’m going to try to speak on behalf of your male readers everywhere:

    Love it when you talk dirty.

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