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It’s A Turkey Thing

On November 25, 2010, in Environmental Ethics, Lifestyle, by Meghan
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Happy Thanksgiving to all you Americans out there! I have so much to be thankful for today and every day, including you goofy-heads, my readers.

Americans have an unusual tradition of consuming birds on this holiday, lots of ’em. We have a bird-ly nickname for the day, too, Turkey Day. I remember my Grandpa used to celebrate this day by running around his house, gobbling and flapping his wings until his family was reduced to laughter. I asked the Internets just how serious our turkey love is, and, this year and every year, we Americans eat hundreds of millions of pounds of bird meat for Thanksgiving. It really is a turkey thing: we have a fetish for the consumption of turkey chests, thighs, and legs.

I’m a veg-head, but you bet I’m about to eat my weight in Tofurky today, a soy-based creation that’s been fashioned to smell, taste, and feel like turkey. Our turkey obsession has crept into the world of vegetarians, too. I have a “special” relationship with turkeys, even though I don’t eat them. In celebration of this Great American Day of Eating Poultry, I send out a message to all of those birds:

Dear Turkeys,

I may not choose to eat you, but I want to. I only refrain from your consumption because I categorically don’t consume meat. If I were spite-driven, you bet your strong thighs that I’d eat them and the rest of you, too.

You and your evil intentions are not overlooked. I still have both of my calf muscles, but, if it were up to wild turkeys, they’d be shredded to bits. Should the people need evidence, I give them Exhibit A. This is the 2008 story of some mean ol’ tom turkeys and the stranger who saved (and laughed at) me from them. There is more to the story of turkey terrorizing! My dog and her eyeballs are intact, but that’s not because your kind has desired it so. Here is Exhibit B:

This wild turkey wanted to kill Junebug the Border Collie (July, 2010).

Last summer, on a hot afternoon in the yard of my Sierra Nevada foothills home, I heard the noises of my dog, Junebug the Border Collie, and something else about to rumble. In a staring standoff, I encountered Junebug and a hen turkey with her rafter of youngsters in tow. Disaster was averted when I recalled Junebug into the house and I captured the mama turkey leaving in the above photograph.

Turkeys, your wild kind is mean, and it makes me want to eat you. I won’t, though I will smile to know that you and your cousins’ cousins are being consumed in today’s wild feasting. Happy Turkey Day, er, Thanksgiving. Bwahahaha!

Your fouled friend, Meghan

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12 Responses to “It’s A Turkey Thing”

  1. I will eat your portion today! Happy turkey day!!!

  2. Nick says:

    Happy Thanksgiving!!! Eat lots of Tofurky and pie!

  3. Stacy says:

    “Bwahahaha!” is right! Hilarious post. Happy Thanksgiving!

  4. JeffO says:

    If you can eat tofu that looks and tastes like turkey, can I eat turkey that looks and tastes like broccoli?
    Just remember, it’s not real authentic tofurkey unless it has some birdshot pellets in it.
    Happy Bird Day to you!

  5. Olga says:

    We didn’t eat turkey or tofurkey, but we still said “thanks”. It’s not about the bird. It’s about thinking how good we have it, and stop whining! Happy one to you and Bryon!

  6. Keith says:

    Hi Meghan!

    It’s Turkey Leftover Day here in our Canadian Home. In honour of our American Guests (Danni, Ted, Jill, Beat…) we had a full on Turkey Feast last night…and the only thing missing was YOU and BRYON! next time….(and we promise some gobbly goodies for you non Meaters anytime!!)

    Happy Thanksgiving…(mostly thanks for friends like you!)

    Love,

    Keith

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